Do you need to control your anger?

Anger can be one of the most problematic emotions for us to handle. It’s usually just seen as a ‘bad’ , or ‘horrible’ emotion. One we’re often told we should try not to feel, if at all possible.

But most of that comes from misunderstanding.

Anger isn’t a bad emotion. In fact no emotion is truly bad… they all exist to notify you of something.

It’s not the anger that’s bad, it’s the sometimes violent reaction that anger brings, that causes the problem.

You feel anger, because something, or someone has caused you to experience a drop in ‘self-value’.

It could be because you feel…

  • undervalued
  • unimportant
  • you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do
  • powerless in a particular situation
  • rejected
  • disregarded
  • inadequate, etc.

And the immediate reaction is to respond in an aggressive manner. Whether that’s physically, or verbally aggressive. This is the area that needs attention.

So, what you really want to know isn’t how to control your anger, but how to control your reaction to the anger.

 

Step 1- Notice the anger building

The first step to controlling your anger outburst, is to start noticing when the anger begins to rise. May be for you, you start to feel hot, or your mouth dries out. Perhaps you find yourself unconsciously clenching your fists, etc.

If you can, make a note of the trigger and your reaction to the trigger in a notebook or diary.

 

Step 2 – Take action

As soon as you notice these reactions happening, find a technique to interrupt the pattern. eg:

  • Say to yourself, “STOP” either out loud of to yourself.
  • Take a deep breath and consciously place your attention on something else, maybe your feet?
  • Shake out your arms and legs and remind yourself to remain calm.

By interrupting the pattern, you’re not undermining the anger, but you’re changing your reaction to it.

 

Step 3 – Look for alternatives

Once the incident has passed, maybe sometime later in the day, get the thoughts about that anger out of your head.

If left bottled up inside, emotions can build and build until they explode. So, write down in a journal what happened. Note how it made you feel and list any other reasons you can think of, that might have been the reason for the trigger. eg:

A car cuts in front of you on your way home from work

  • Initial thought…“That disrespectful a**hole! Why doesn’t he just wait like everyone else?!?”
  • Alternative… “Maybe there’s been an emergency at home and he’s trying to get there as quick as he can”

 

Step 4 – Find the patterns

As you start to journal about your anger, you’ll begin to see patterns in the triggers. Then, once you start to appreciate what causes the angry outburst, you’ll be in a better position to respond calmly to the incident, rather than simply react to it.

 

As well as these four steps to control your anger, I believe everyone could get some benefit from increasing their emotional health generally. You can find some additional tips on that in a previous article.

What things have you used to help calm your angry outbursts? Let us know in the comments below.

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