14 – Get Out of Your Comfort Zone and Increase Your Confidence

Hello again and Welcome to the Everyday Confidence Podcast from theskillfulmind.com. I’m your host, Steve George and today we’re gonna be talking about expanding your comfort zone and how that increases your confidence?

How you act, has a major effect on how confident you feel. And, how confident you feel, will generally dictate how you act.

So, to get the best out of yourself, you have to make some changes.

If you want anything to grow, you’ve got to feed it. And for confidence, you can do that by trying new things. And most of the time, that’s scary!

Now, every day there’s at least one opportunity for you to make some kind of positive change. It’s just unfortunate, most of those changes mean that you need to step out of your comfort zone. And often hard isn’t it?

But, if you do those small things every day, then as well as growing the number of different experiences you’ve had, every time you do something new, you’ve had another success, so your confidence grows a bit as well.The problem is, every time, we think about trying something new, or stretching ourselves a bit, we imagine that the results if we fail, are going to be painful. And all the time we think like that, we’re making it much less likely, that we’re gonna try it.

For most people, including me, stepping outside of what’s comfortable and safe, can be scary. Because what a lot of people don’t realize, is it’s part of Human nature, to do much more to stay away from pain, than to move toward pleasure.Actually there’s a good example from Tony Robbins, and he asked… “which would you put more energy toward… saving $5,000, or stopping someone from stealing the $5,000 you already had?

Most people would put more energy toward not losing what they already had.

And the same’s true when it comes to moving outside your comfort zone. For most people, saving yourself from possible, let’s say, embarrassment, is better than having a new, possibly exciting experience.

Because you’re much more likely to move away from possible pain, than you are to move toward possible pleasure. So, when one of your options is going to keep you safe, that’s naturally gonna be the option you choose.

Now, not wanting to step outside our comfort zone because it could be painful in some way…. seems like a fair excuse. But, that’s usually all it is…. It’s an excuse. Because in almost all cases, that pain you’re so desperate to avoid is, unlikely to ever happen.

Obviously, there might well be some situations, where real pain could be a possibility. Maybe the new experience you’re thinking about is white water rafting, or mountain climbing. But, in most cases, the pain we’re so desperate to avoid is more likely to just be a dent in our pride.

One thing to remember about comfort zones though, is they’re constantly growing anyway. It’s just that we don’t notice it.

You’ll have a different comfort zone for every one of the areas in your life. So, you’ll have one for work, one for your relationships, one for finances, etc. The easiest example of a growing comfort zone is when you get a new job.

Probably for the first few months, you’ll be doing new things every day. And every new thing is a step outside your comfort zone. But you do those things because it’s your responsibility to do them. If you don’t, then there’s a possibility you’ll lose that job. So there’s an extra incentive.

And, once you’ve stepped out and done the activity once, or twice, that activity then becomes PART of your new comfort zone! It’s only outside at the moment, because you haven’t tried it yet and seen how safe it is.

And, not only that, once you’ve tried something new, you’ve had another success to add to your list. That’s what’s important for building your confidence.

Now, clearly, if you do it a few more times, it becomes comfortable and it might even become enjoyable. And if it doesn’t, you just stop doing it. But, success breeds confidence. So even if you commit today, to taking one small step outside your comfort zone each and every day, each success will bring you greater confidence.

Even though the unknown terrors outside your comfort zone sometimes seem scary, you can beat them. Small, simple steps will get you there. Whenever you see a situation that can help you grow, think of one simple action you can take, to help you move towards it.

And once you’ve thought of that small action, if you still don’t think you can do it, just re-frame the doubts, by asking the simple question….
“What really, is the worst that can happen?”

And I know it sounds like a simple question, but it breaks your automatic response. So now, you can actually think about how that experience could effect you. And then you can make a more sound judgement about whether it’s something you could do.

Now, you’re probably thinking “If it’s in everyone’s nature, to default to staying safe, how come some people can just naturally do these things without giving it any thought?” And if you weren’t thinking that, you probably are now I’ve mentioned it.

Well, everybody makes their judgements about anything, by how their human needs are ordered. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them, but Tony Robbins came up with the list of the ‘6 Human Needs’, which I’ll go through in a minute. And how you’ve got them ordered in your mind, determines how likely you are to step outside your comfort zone for any particular thing.

There’re the six human desires, that everyone strives for in some measure. And everyone’s order is different and the amount of emphasis they put on each one is different.

So, let’s quickly go through the six, then I’ll give you an example:

1. Certainty: you need an assurance that you can avoid pain and gain pleasure. So basically, it’s your need for safety, security, consistency, order, things like that.
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, for change, excitement, or surprise.
3. Significance: to feel unique, important, needed, or special in some way.
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness with someone, or something.
5. Growth: an increase of capacity, capability, or understanding.
6. Contribution: a sense of helping, giving, or supporting others.

So, for that example I promised…

Imagine that a person was asked to try white water rafting. And at the top of their needs list was Certainty. And somewhere around number 5, or 6, was Uncertainty.

So at number 1, they need to know that they can avoid pain. And if you remember, some of the requirements of that, are things like safety and security. And then almost at the bottom is their need for excitement and surprise.

In that scenario, do you think it’s likely they’ll want to go…. No, definitely not.

But, what if we switched that around. And we put un-certainty at the top, and certainty down near the bottom. Would that change whether, or not they’d want to go…. Of course it would.

And because everyone’s hierarchy is slightly different, that’ll affect how often they’re willing to try certain things.

So, for your part, whenever you feel like you want to turn down an experience, remember to consider the question… “What really, is the worst that can happen?” And then once you’ve done that, ask yourself, “What will this experience give me?”

Because once you know the most likely bad outcome. And you’ve identified the benefits you’ll get, only then you can make an educated judgement about whether, or not to give it a try.

Sometimes, even after you’ve thought about it logically, you might decide to do something that could possibly cause you some pain, but the benefits are worth it.

So, What I’m going to do now, is give you a few simple ideas to try…

Pick one, or do all of them. Because, these are simple things that anyone can do. Some might be harder for you than others, but none of them are gonna cause you any pain, except for the pain you make up in your head.

• Say “Hello” to a stranger every day. That could be while you’re out walking the dog, or taking some exercise.
• Or, If you see a nice looking garden while you’re out, hand deliver an anonymous ‘Thank You’ card and tell them it’s because their garden brightened up your day.
• You could call in on an elderly neighbor, especially during this pandemic, and ask if they need anything from the shops.
• You could start a conversation with a co-worker from a different department. Someone you’ve not spoken to before.
• Or, you could leave a comment on a web site you visit. In fact, why don’t you leave a comment on this page?
• Or, you could search on Facebook for someone you haven’t seen since you left high School/College and send a friend request.

And, if you do all of these things, you’ll have done something towards meeting each of the 6 needs.

There are so many small ways, you can move just one step outside your comfort zone every day. And before you know it, each of these things will become part of your new comfort zone. So then, you can go one step further.

Because remember, that every marathon starts with just one step. Every great discovery started with one simple action. And small steps can produce powerful changes. So, just keep taking small steps everyday and then before you know it, you’ll be doing things you never thought you’d be able to.

That’s it for today’s show. As usual, the show notes will be over on the website, at theskillfulmind.com/podcast/14

Don’t forget if you want to leave a comment I’d love to hear from you over on the podcast page, And I promise to reply.

Until next time, thanks for listening… Bye for now.